Is been six days, I didn’t write anything, sometimes I just angry at myself because I never keep my own promise and now what happened to me is I forgot I was wanted to say few days ago. But from what I remember is I was totally upset, I was upset about everything, I hate myself was doing nothing contributive, nothing useful. I’m just wasting my time, I always want to spend my time meaningfully, but what I did was just stupid. I don’t know why everybody just disappear or missing, whatever is just the same meaning. Why??? Why??? Why??? I keep on asking myself, did I do something stupid again??? I keep rewind my memories... But what I remember and what I thought is useless, because is they just disappear, did I make it happened??? I don’t know how many people that really know me will read my blog but this is just ridiculous and what am I doing, right now is for those missing people...am I gonna to see them again, the answer is “I really don’t know!!!”, so is that means what I’m doing right now is pointless, how about people don’t appreciate it??? is that really wasting my time for them???
Just countless of questions came out from my mind... Last time, what I used to do is try to concentrate on something, but sometimes there are just a lot of suspicious question pop up in my mind... I haven’t got the money from my sister yet, so I was pre-write the letter or card in my mac so that is easy for me copy down in the future...
I know I’m a easy crying person, I will cry about anything, like those olympic competitors, I will cry when I watch them received their gold medal from the presentative, because I have the feeling of they just try so hard, they sacrifice everything in their life just to get the gold medal, that’s what they should deserve... I will cry on some sad things too like sometimes bad things just happened in their life to challenge them and I was cried for the Japan tsunami earthquake too...
Now, for sure I was crying and writing the letter at the same time too. I always ask myself, why I deserve these??? Can I just stand on people side and see how they look at me so I would know how they think about me...??? I think it doesn’t matter how people think about me, but really hate the ignoring feeling... Maybe people don’t know how much I hate about ignoring and there are always people will like to do that to me.
Yesterday, I was so depressed, I told myself actually everything is just my fault, I shouldn’t let people to treat me good at the first time, because once it starts I will keep demand on it, so I should avoid from those people who always trying to be nice to me, I should just ask them to get away...because I really hate the feeling of losing it!!! Maybe people won’t notice it when they do it, but I can tell you that, the worst feeling in the world is you thought you deserve all these happiness but out of sudden, God just take it away from you!!! What the hell was that??? Better not let me have it at the first, right??? Once you let me have it in the first time, and you just take it away without any warning!!! Am I really deserve a life like that??? Am I really a devil woman or what??? If not why am I being treat like that???
So for future references, if you know you gonna hurt me or leave in the future please better treat me like shit, so I won’t be so upset when you leave!!!
Actually, I prefer people just treat me like shit because only this will make me have the ability to stay stronger.
I know is hard, but because of you guys I love crying and smiling at the same time, crying is a sign of sadness but smiling is for you guys to feel better!!! To tell you guys that I’m ok!!!
有时候，我都一直的在问自己在坚持什么？？？ 坚持一些永远得不到的东西值得吗？？？
人有时候很矛盾，说了不求回报，可是总是渴望自己的用心别人会看到，然后得到一些报凑！！！
很绝望，真的。。。 可是当我每次都在谷底时，我都在想那些非洲的小朋友，问我自己是不是要求太多了呢？？？ 而让我自己振作起来！！！
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